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Muffin Top of The Panty

20 Aug

Muffin Top: When a woman wears a pair of tight jeans that makes her flab spill out over the waistband, just like the top of a muffin sits over the edge of the paper case.

 As if this isn’t bad enough…I am seeing an influx of panty muffin top…HELL TO THE NO!!!

panty top

Underwear is supposed to be the most comfortable part of ur wardrobe…I personally don’t wear any, but this is what I have been told..

Why would you buy panties a size to small? Ur LYING to urself!!!

If ur ass aint a size small…it aint a size small…get over it!!

Then you put on some form-fitting cotton dress and the world is  forced to see ur panty top…GROSS.

Now, I have 2 questions for u:

ONE: when u peel off ur panties at night, do you think its normal to have dents in ur skin?

TWO: I have lady parts, and they do not like to be sausaged into anything…and I’m sorry, not to be gross, but all our vagina’s need to breathe.

That being said, my number two question for you is “Do you douche?”  Cause people get yeast infections from tight jeans, and ur ass is running around with tight ass panties on…one can only imagine the bread ur baking in those thongs!!

What is with chicks refusing to size up? EVEN IN PANTIES???

STOP THE NONSENSE POUND CAKE PUSS!!!!

Say NO to PANTY TOP!!!!

 

 

 

Abominable Snow Dick

22 Jan

Hey Nanook Of  The North…we live in NYC not Siberia!!!!

I understand its cold, but come on now people. Just cause its nipply out doesn’t mean u have to look like a furry asshole.

Really with the giant KGB furry hat?! This is not Russia and you are not an extra in Rocky IV…

You get on the train with ur HUGE scarf and assorted fur accessories and giant hat and thermal nuclear gloves and then you take 20 min getting it all off cause its 500 degrees on the train

THEN…instead of getting up 5 min early to put on your obnoxious display of cold weather gear, you do it while the train is pulling in, then I have to sit there and wait for you to reattached ur bear skin. NOT COOL

Let also discuss the fact that ur shedding everywhere. I need to lint brush my outerwear cause you are scared of the cold.

I mean I get it, its fucking cold out…but there is plenty of non aggressive stylish cold weather wear these days that cuts out the bulk….and there is NEVER a need to wear a fluffy cat around ur neck, OBNOXIOUS!!

I don’t even know why I bother complaining about this cause you are definitely the person who also uses a beach umbrella in the rain, ur simply obnoxious in all facets of life and I hope a bird takes a giant shit on ur fur muff…thank you, and fuck you!

And THIS abominable snow dick IS WHY I HATE U!!

Who told you thats okay??

10 Jul

There is an epidemic going around…

Move over swine flu, bird flu, zombies….

This epidemic is dangerous to us all – Young, Old, Black, White, Puerto Rican and Haitian…

LITTLE CLOTHING…BIG PERSON

Symptoms include:  bleeding eyes, excessive VOM FACE, and restless phone syndrome…

What is restless phone syndrome u ask? It the inability to stop from pointing, clicking and uploading…

Major causes are: bikini’s in size 22, hot shorts on large pitted thighs, and fat guy in a little shirt – just to name a few…

Please send me pictures of such offenses…I will post them in my “What the FUCK are you wearing” section on the blog…

Email me @ b.davis@thisiswhyihateu.com

 

 

Um….How old are you???

11 Apr

Maybe I just have good genetics. Maybe it’s from having older sisters, or maybe its cause I was born and raised in NY, where people take pride in their appearance (mostly), but THANKFULLY….I look YOUNGER then I actually am.

I take good care of myself, never look like who did it and ran (unless hungover, or simply in a I don’t give a fuck mood), and actually make it a point to take a brush to my hair and slap on some pore minimizer every morning.

Ms. I think I’m a natural beauty THIS IS WHY I HATE U!!!!!!!

I recently found out someone in my office…we will call her FRUMP GIRL….is 24. Twenty Fucking Four…I shit you not, this chick looks worn out, haggard and def looks at least 5 to 6.5 years older than me. Mind you she is married.

At what point do you just give up? At what point do you say fuck it, I’m going to wear mismatched ill-fitting clothing throw my hair in a bun, not spray down my fly-aways, and walk out with zero makeup on. Maybe I will even skip moisturizer today????

WHATS WRONG WITH U!!!

You are the lady, who one day, your kids are going to be embarrassed to bring friends over to the house to meet. Your not gonna be the hip, attractive mom, you’re gonna be the busted old hag that gave up mid 20’s.

DONT BE THAT GIRL!!!!!!

Every day me and my co-worker watch as FRUMP GIRL walks around the office looking like a sea hag, and we shake our heads and judge the shit out of her.

Now don’t get me wrong, I in no way doll myself up everyday, but COME ON!!!! Tinted moisturizer makes a world of difference. Just TRY…thats all I ask is TRY to look like a woman!!!

Ur mid 20’s…your shit should be right and tight. You shouldnt need that much help in the morning to look young and fresh.

And how hard is it to wear matching clothes? This girl has come into the office in a black spandex cocktail dress, with an open back (back zits included), and BROWN casual flat boots. DO U OWN A MIRROR???????

How do you have a husband????

YOU HAVE MEAN FRIENDS!!!

I think I need to submit her to What Not To Wear…cause homegirl needs help. You look like ur 35…and not a hot 35…a beat up ex meth addict 35.

And who the fuck is dying ur hair?

FRUMP GIRL…GET A CLUE!!!!!!

I saw a picture of you on ur wedding day, I know its possible for you to look attractive….DO IT…before ur husband ends up dry humping THE CLOSET WHORE!!!!!

 

Hey…the 80’s called, they want their stockings back!

19 Sep

Why are nude stocking still in production?

Unless its Halloween and your dressing up like Tess McGill from Working Girl, or pairing it with a leotard and scrunched socks like Olivia Newton John in the Lets Get Physical video, then you have NO BUSINESS rocking nude stockings.

First off, no ones skin is that color, you’re not fooling anyone with your oh so smooth looking, “no these aren’t stockings”, legs!

You look like a hot mess! AWFUL…why dont you pair them with some spectator pumps and have a nice day!

Second, if you insist on wearing stockings, maybe go with a sheer black or something funky, or a fish net.

Nude? NUDE??? WHY???? What made you think that was a good idea?

Nude stocking people are the same people that wear skirt suits with sneakers and tube socks on their morning commute – wrong,  just WRONG!

I want you to please give me an example of one person who wears nude stockings, besides Bette White, that actually doesn’t look like an 80’s throw back in them~!

JUST SAY NO TO NUDE!!! (STOCKINGS)

Hello Kitty = Low Functioning Adult

15 Sep

Adult Asian lady rocking Hello Kitty accessories, THIS IS WHY I HATE U!!!!

I should not even have to write this post because once you hit puberty anything childlike, ie HELLO KITTY shouldnt be worn or displayed on your person.

This woman was 45 years old, had a Hello Kitty key chain, Hello Kitty iPod holder and a Hello Kitty iPhone cover….COME ON NOW!!

Now wait for it…..SHE HAD HELLO KITTY ON HER SHOES!!!

The only thing I can think of is that she might be mentally challenged in which case, its okay. If she is NOT, and I believe her to be of normal IQ, then she is a walking dickhead. And I really do not have much more to add to this.

I liked Hello Kitty, there was a store in the Staten Island Mall specifically for Hello Kitty…but guess what, I was mother fucking 7 years old!!

GROW UP ASIAN SPICE!! You’re not in a girl group based out of Tokyo…you’re on your way into an office. How is this okay???

Pajama pants and the men who wear them in public…this is why I hate u

28 Aug

Why, why, why???!!!!!!

WTF are grown men thinking when they make the conscious decision to put pajama pants on and walk out their front door in public?? This phenomenon boggles my mind and I have seen it increase at an alarming rate.

There is a commonality amongst these men – a large belly, usually semi-covered by a food stained, yellow arm pitted t-shirt, a cough that sounds like a mix between 2 packs of marb reds and a bout with tuberculosis and the smell of stale weed permeating from their person. I am pretty sure most are unemployed or seasonal workers, living in a basement of their mother’s home who clearly have no pride in themselves.

Here is a tip – try dressing in real clothes and maybe you would feel a little better about things, get some swagger if you will. In the meantime, please tuck your swinging balls that I can see through your open fly because you’re wearing PAJAMA PANTS IN PUBLIC and keep moving… Your stench is disrupting my meal.
X0X0, Jane Russell